Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

      Currentliy Listening to: Rush - Circumstances      

I always wonder when things are going to end, if they stay the same for a period of time. I've heard the term "in the long run, something has to brake". And I'm pretty aware of it, I just wonder when does that happen in a given situation. In my circumstances, all that going out with Nyo, (and her boyfriend), all those moments together doing her manga, pulling an all-nighter to finish it, are already in the past. Now, she's back at her mom's place, (and as far as one block away from where I live now), quit her job as a lawyer's assistant, and looks like she's going to stay attending mom's stationery store while her boyfriend gathers courage (and resources) to getting married with her. 

With all that going, I'm just one month away from moving one more time. But this one time seems to be the last in a real long time, since I'm moving to my own house. The real one. The problem is, this house is about 10 kilometers away from Nyo's (or Mama's) house. That will make our mutual visiting virtually impossible. Same thing when trying to visit Alondra (another girl who works at an Ice Cream joint at the nearby supermarket).

I'm summonig her tomorrow to talk and start bidding farewell. I know it's gonna be hard for me, but I guess I've come to a point where I have to pull out and not let her comeback one more time when she's alone, because that's what she's been doing all of this times when she's not with a boyfriend, and even with this one, who she allegedly says he's the one to get married with, she's been coming around more often than before.

Some things, as I said when I started writing this post, eventually come to a stop after a time. Who knows when are they going to stop? 

None of us, I tell you.

None of us.

Joey.

Still confused, as Confucius may not say... or admit!

     Currently listening: Joey Kaye's (misinterpretation of Pink Floyd's) - Comfortably Numb    

Haven't I know better, I'd just kept on writing. Self-imposed silence to let internal voices talk was not quite a clever idea. So I comeback to this old friend who always has had an ear for me, and my tribulations, with a silent voice of concern. I feel slightly more confused than before leaving this blog alone for almost five months.

What have I gained from not writing? Nothing. The fuzzy feeling that there was something to comment, deeper than the small package to deliver now. At odds, it was something more than I can remember. But then again, my silly 1st-generation memory chip playfully jokes around with me and makes me remember I'm an old machine. Old enough to forget important things to remember, that is.

Where should I start? I remember my last posts were about that girl who came from I can't remember where, wearing a smile and a Hello Kitty tatoo in her wrist (it wasn't henna, if you, dear casual reader, may sometime wonder about it). And just like the roaring tides, she came to fleetingly touch my heart, and left not to be seen, or to be heard of anymore. Not for me.

Just when I was still licking my wounds like a lonely wolf in the steppe, along came Mayra, that girl who made me think she was the one. But to my dismay, she wasn't. Especially if we take on account that while she was going out with me, was having another relationsip with anoter person. probably the whole thing was backwards and I was the affair. But for the effect, it was all the same. She was cheating. And off she went her way.

Of course, leaving me in the crossroad, not knowing which way I should make my steps.

If anything, it all left me with the feeling that there must be someone that likes me. But guess what? Whati if I don't like that person? What if, liking her or not, She lives in a distant place? What if I never cross paths with that perfect person?

I think too much, I reckon.

But I suppose, I have a right to think all of the posibilities. Better yet,I must do that in order to bring to the floor what makes most people fly off the roof. Being desperately in search for that "perfect" person to become the love of your life is rather a pitfall of life, if anyone, you, allow me to say so, dear casual reader.

I'll elaborate. If you let yourself be carried away thinking you must find that person, probably you're going to fall short attending other life duties, and eventually end up with either one. You shouldn't loose your actual life, trying to find that person, and you shouldn't leave any chance to meet that person untaken. Ballance is the word around all of this.

And the fact that you have to be realistic. Said this, I must be realistic, when I say I want to look around and find that person, because reality may be:

• She'd never appear,
• She'd be living in a far-off place (like, you here in Mexico, trapped with your own problems getting a passport, and she's living in... Japan, or Korea!)
• She'd be taken already,
• I fumble things to the poing where she doesn't want me anymore...

And the list can go on and on.

What's the point in this seemingly useless exercise? To acknowledge there is the possbility that I may remain alone, for the rest of my life, and everyone I've been trying to get together with, was just a mirage. Saying it is easy. Undrestanding, is quite something else.

Now, agreed on the fact that chances are I'm going to end up alone, I guess timing the task to avoid loosing precious time and effort (and money) is in order. So, with this mindset in-order, I should declare that If I'm not in an interesting relationship by the end of the year, We'll call it quits with the mating game.

There! I said it!

Probaboy there may be one or another casual reader saying that I must water down the standard by saying "If I'm not in a relationsihp by..." but I don't feel like relenting now. Why should I extend the time of life of this kind of project, just because I'm in a superfluous relationship? After all, my two last relationships were just that, a time-wasting occupation. I don't want that. I can waste my time in other, more constructive activities.

All this may be overruled if I enter in a much-waited relationship with ... well, you know who. But, unfortunately, and to my dismay, she's now in one relationship with a real fine guy, and they seem to be planning marriage already. I can deny I'm a little bit scared, not because of the word, because she's been doing the same kind of statements with at least 90% of the boyfriends she's been with the last two years, but because this time seems more... possible.

Of course, to add on my grief, I've come to know certain dark, seedy aspects of her life, where she has hidden from me in just not the irght manner. As if she was doing something illegal, with the wrong person. Even if I know that much more seedy details of her life, one more is one too many. Really. Sometimes I wish I could rip all of this wasted feelings, wasted by her. Shed all of those uncomplemented emotions towards her... in a tear. Ad rip all that appart. To keep going looking up to the sky, not the tip of my shoes. Not the path, a couple of steps forward, but to the long mile ahead.

Rip away this uncomplemented love.

Joey.

The love that never rolled onto you

      Currently listening: Paul Mc Cartney & Wings - Let Me Roll It     

Days have rolled on and the tragedy of losing the precious person, that popped up down the road of my life, makes it look like it's so far away in time, it won't hurt anymore.

The case of Fernanda, the girl coming from an unknown place, wearing a hello kitty tatoo on her wrists, and a smie to share is just one more case closed in the annals of my love cases gone wrong. The love I had was like a wheel I wanted to rolll to her. It never got rolling from a start.

Picked up myself after a small nervous breakdown, and started living as it was the only thing I could do. Funcioning in this world was never that easy. Wake up, prepare things, do whatever it was on the day menu to have the kid ready to go to school. Have him leave or drive him to school. Go to work. Print papers, do statistics, fill up reports, answer incoming telephone calls, anything at all was never that easy. I just had to adjust myself to do anything and there! it was done.

But at the same time there was something amiss. I felt like I was a machine. Nothing mattered, but the basic. My being alive, my boy. Everything else could go and f@ck itself. I didn't care as much for anything as ever. And after a certain time, I just wanted to stop and ponder. Why was I like that? Just because I thought I had it and later lost it? Because I thought it was starting to recover a long-lost part of my life - and it was a mirage, just as It came to mind for a fleeting moment?

None of that mattered anymore. Why should I live my life so recklessly that I had to run so fast, one of these good days I just crash into something, smashing my lost soul into smithereens?

I had to stop.

Then, one of these days, last Friday October 8th, I went to the plaza mall, and guess what, I found Fernanda's sister. Mayra.(easy to pronouce: just say Myra). Said hello and after some minutes I caught her looking at me. I was just trying to chill at the arcade, watching everyone play, and not actually involving into gaming. I turned several times the head and there she was, looking at me. Next Monday, I received a SMS text message, from her. She saw my son at the mall, and asked him for my number. He, knowing she was Fernanda's sister, had no problem providing it, and next thing you know we started talking via text. After a couple of days texting, we started going out, and I started getting to know her. The last time she was here, she was kind of puzzled on why Nyomi was here (and it was because we're doing this "Tangled" fandub we want to release together). After that it's been just text, and one only outing for some coffee, because this week we've been busy.

The sentence interwoven here is "I like her, she likes me. I think.".

Do I feel guilty she's fernanda's sister? No. I actually don't look at her as "my sister-in-law". We never got that far into a relationsip to create ties with the extended family of each other. Even moreso: I actually think there are some facts I didn't know, but there's a time for everything, and I think I will discuss that next post, and let the relationship (friendship, or whatever may come) develop so I can say concrete stuff.

Meantime let me adjust myself to this. Ok?

Undeniable

Random thought Nr. 41

The more I lost, the more I thought
I left my heart on somebody's hands
Not unknown sensation
The burning feeling, the pain inside
As if blood in my fingers
Dropping down my palms.

Tearing down my feelings
On a long-lost past
Thouhgt made no difference
What her closeness may start.

Why do I have to endure
Once again the pangs of love,
knowing that, 'tis not to be?
How many times
Have I stumbled upon,
And tripped over,
The same stone?

Where has common sense gone
When you use of it,
Where is my Bitter Experience
When you need to remind one?

But bad as it is, this story
Of unrequitted love, trason and pain
Is not always
The way they wrought to be.
For the writer has gone into a rut
And in circles has gone the plot
And the bitter pill I've swallowed
In the mire my life wallows.

©2011, Joey Kaye

The irresponsible Captain Joey!

        Currently listening: Key Sounds Label - Two Shadows      

Yes, it's me again. There's a big chance, dear casual reader, you stumble upon this post more by chance than by coming back... or maybe it's a random check in a seemingly dead blog.

I've been walking down the roads, with one hand in my trumpet, and the other handing a whiskey bottle. If I'm not drinking, I'm blowing my trumpet, to forget about my love hurtings. Yep, that's right. I've been basically functioning, in real life, not letting everyone know about how hard it has been for me to go through a real relationship, and have it gone in around a month.

Ever so close to know happiness, ever so distant.

As stated two posts before, I was starting to go out with this girl called Fernanda. It all seemed so idyllic. She liked the Beatles, Park Bom and Love Hina. Was interested in a long-term relationship without rushing in as fools do. We'd talk for hours about things in common. Got interested in the same movies, were starting to make mid-term plans, and started talking about going to the next step in the relationship.

 Oh, the happiness!

They say if something it's too good to be true, it probably is. I can attest this saying is true. By start of this month, and during the week before that, we agreed to have some cleaning together done at the house, so we have some more time together interacting in something as simple as doing house chores. How's that for a girlfriend? Great, I say! I was expecting to last quite a longer time than what it actually was. By and right before the end of August, she called me in, saying she had something really urgent to tell me. And totally without any kind of warning, and not suspecting anything wrong, she told me it was over and I had to excuse her because she loved me and she was doing that because she loved me. But no story as to why she had to out from the relationship. A dumbfounded Joey Kaye hung up the telephone, filling up his head with millions of possible explanations on why she would want to cut off on something she stated that very same morning she was enjoying. But I let it rest for the day.

Next weekend, the one we were supposed to be doing house chores around the house, I called her and politely asked for some information regarding her decision. She said she actually found she was pregnant with the son of her former boyfriend and who, by pure luck, she didn't love. She proceeded to explain that although she didn't love him, she thought it was not within an ethic context to try to pretend the baby was mine by the varied tricks some women have to "get" a man. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart she said this, even if she was not my girlfriend anymore.

And with that, we hung up the tellys, and the relationship was officially over.

I suppose from then on, I felt like I was smashing against a hard wall, and all my life came back to me in a second. I felt like I was in the verge of entering the underworld.

But life has to go on, and I'm not a teenager who can not manage his own emotions and started looking for a way to deal with the grief of losing the so-much awaited relationship (and one that promised so much at that) and tried to devise a way to compensate for all the plans I started charting down in my head. In other words, looked for the famous occupational therapy.

As a result, I've been trying to complete several things around the house, fixing things, am in the process of taking back on finishing that pesky head-less bass I have laying on top of a carton box waiting to be finished and re-assembled. I also started a singing project with a song called "Days" Opening song from Eureka Seven, started a video project so I could upload to Youtube, and took care of my son while he was sick, cooking chicken soup every day under doctor's orders. Oh, I also had to endure a disgusting mouse invasion (which I hope is over by now) killing and trapping up to 3 mice in one given night. Now I'm trying to track down the mother, who has to give birth recently and that's why we have so many small mice around in the traps and poisoned.

But in the end, I felt I've been kind of torn apart because I don't feel complete. I don't feel complemented anymore. I've lost a precious part of my life, again.

Joey.